Thoughts on Instinct and Conversion

[In September 2010, Bonnie and I had the privilege of spending a few weeks in England.  We enjoyed the visit tremendously, and had some great experiences.  Shortly after returning, I spoke at a stake fireside and shared thoughts related to one aspect of that trip and the lessons I learned from it.  This is a summary of that talk.]

Pinto station wagon, similar to my first
car – a 1973 model I drove through my
high school and college years

I recently had an experience that has given me much to think about.  I've been driving a car for over 37 years, and estimate that I have driven perhaps some 3 million miles during that time.  I've driven lots of different cars, but the fundamental aspects of driving have not changed much.  With minor variations on a given day, I have done the same things in the same way, time and time again, mile after mile.

I don't recall much of the experience of when I learned to drive (bless my mother's patient heart).  But it was interesting as an adult to help my children go through that time and watch their learning process.  Initially, for most new drivers, there is some degree of tentativeness and uncertainty, even trepidation and concern.  New drivers are so wonderfully cautious!  It seems that every action takes conscious thought – when do I lift my foot from the brake, how hard do I press the accelerator, when do I start the blinker, how sharply do I turn the wheel to make this corner, etc.  The effect is even greater if you watch someone learning to drive a standard transmission, where they have to coordinate pushing in the clutch, shifting the gears, letting out the clutch gradually, and applying just the proper acceleration at just the right time.


Before long, though, an interesting thing happens with the new driver.  The actions become less tentative as he or she gains confidence.  Soon, the person doesn't have to think consciously about releasing the brake or applying the gas or turning the steering wheel; they just know they want to leave the driveway and go to the grocery store, and most of the rest happens subconsciously or by "instinct," with barely any awareness.  In fact, we can be thinking of other things, engaged in conversation, listening to the radio, enjoying the scenery, or doing any of a number of things while the driving takes place.

Unfortunately, for our teenagers, this familiarity often means that they quickly become overconfident.  They not only know how to drive, but do it with much assurance and boldness. This syndrome might be a little worse in boys, who often believe they can safely control the car at speeds much faster than those recommended for "mere mortals" such as their parents.  Not only that, but they can do any number of things while they drive, including interacting with their friends in the car or even texting on their cell phones.  Most parents of teenagers have seen that phase of overconfidence verging on recklessness.  (A few adults even fall into the same trap.)

Paradigm shift

So back to my own recent experience.  After 37 years of developing instinct and habits of driving, of having deeply ingrained in my subconscious how certain aspects of that activity take place – I found myself behind the steering wheel of an automobile in England.

Now all of a sudden, all the rules were broken.  Even sitting down behind the wheel was a strange experience — it felt so wrong!  The seat belt was in the wrong place.  The rear view mirror was in the wrong place.  The window controls were in the wrong place.  Worse yet, the gear shift was in the wrong place.  (Gear shift?  Whoa!  I haven't driven a manual transmission for at least 15 years!)

So I was thrust rudely back into very conscious, very tentative, very timid driving.  With a few exceptions, those 37 years of driving experience were not very helpful.  Fortunately, the workings of the clutch came back quickly (though I often looked for the gearshift with my right hand and found only the door handle), and I still knew how to accelerate and brake properly.  And I was brilliant at manipulating the controls for the windshield wipers and defroster and radio (once I found them).  But that was about it!

Like most drivers around the world, I was used to sitting in the seat as a driver and having the bulk of the car over on the right.  It's a disturbing thing to suddenly have all of it over there on the left!  I found it was much more challenging than I expected to figure out where the left fender and left wheels were as I made turns.  We bumped up against the curb a few times; fortunately, nothing more serious.  But often I found myself drifting out of my lane because my subconscious was so used to having the bulk of the car to my right! This was all aggravated by the fact that many of the roads in England (at least those we were on) seemed about as wide as a sidewalk, and we had to not just squeeze our car through, but also find space for the oncoming trucks and buses!

And then, in addition to the backwards-built car, there is that infernal idea of driving on the LEFT side of the roads instead of the right!  Who ever thought that was a good idea??  Every instinct in my body has been ingrained with the idea of where the car belongs on the road, and now I'm supposed to forget all that and drive down the other side — the WRONG side?  And make proper turns into the proper lane going the other direction?  And remember which directions to look for merging traffic and oncoming cars?  What a nightmare.

This was one time when I was actually GRATEFUL to have a backseat driver and a frontseat navigator giving me very frequent warnings and reminders!!

So let me now share some aspects of the application of that experience that have been interesting to ponder.

Learning to Deal with Challenges

It's important to acknowledge that disruptive changes will occur from time to time in our lives. We may coast along in a comfortable pattern for many years and then have a dramatic and unexpected change come to us.  At those times, many of the old rules go out the window and we are forced to start over in at least some aspects of our life.  This could be a time when we face a serious illness or injury.  It could be a significant personal setback in employment.  It could be a broken relationship.  It could be heartbreaking disappointment with one of our children, or someone we thought we could trust.  It could be losing a loved one to death.  I have faced many of those situations in my life to one degree or another — most of us do.

When these things occur, suddenly it's as if the car is on the wrong side of us, and the traffic is all going the wrong direction from where it's supposed to be, and we're left to deal with a world that doesn't fit our instinct or our expectations or our hopes.  It can be a brutal experience!

It's a powerful help to know that we're not alone as we face our challenges.  I was blessed repeatedly while driving in England to have warnings and cautions and advice from those who were in the car with me.  They, of course, had a vested interest in my success in that particular time!  But I believe we all have a vested interest in helping one another deal with our life's challenges.  We can gain strength by receiving and by sharing; and we take turns in the receiving and sharing roles.

Sometimes we find it easier to be the giver than the receiver.  Like any man, I suppose I don't like people telling me how to drive.  But I quickly learned how important it was in this situation, when a word of warning could be life-saving.  And at the times of crisis in my life, I have so often been blessed by those who have come to my aid with temporal, emotional, or spiritual advice and support – and I learned how precious that support can be.

To help us get through the times of crisis, it's important to cling to the things that are unchanged and fixed.  It was a great blessing to me while driving to not worry about braking and accelerating so I could focus on which side of the road I belonged on.  In every crisis of life, we can find aspects that are fixed and eternal, unchangeable and firm.  They can bless us as we re-shape our experience around them.

And proceeding carefully and cautiously is always wise.  We start out driving slowly.  We take small steps before we take big ones, and quicker steps before we learn to run.

The Blessing of Developing Habits and Instinct

But I think the greater lesson to help us in crisis comes from pondering what we do when we are not in crisis.

Think with me about that process of driving a car, under normal situations.  As I pondered the part of driving that is so automatic and instinctive, I thought how nice it is to have other aspects of our lives follow that pattern.  We don't have to be paralyzed with every single decision and consideration of direction; much of it can be habitual.  The more of those areas we create, the better.

I find in my life I'm not doing as well as I want to in some of these areas.  I haven't allowed the repetition develop to the point of instinct, of subconscious action in all these areas.  I hope it does eventually!

I believe that becoming a "disciple of Christ" involves changing our natures to the point that we no longer desire evil, but to do good continually (Mosiah 5:2).  It can get to the point that we don't have to consider what to choose; our very nature will quickly make the choice, subconsciously, instinctively.  It becomes so much a part of us to do certain things that they happen almost by themselves!  I aspire to that state.

Consider some examples.

• What if our very nature required that we spend time each day feasting on the word of the Lord?  We wouldn't have to consciously consider whether to do it, or when to do it, but it would just happen as naturally as waking the morning or eating food when we're hungry.
• What if our very nature required that we spend time each day in quiet pondering and in prayer?  We wouldn't need to remind ourselves; it would come as natural as breathing.
• What if our very nature required that we do good, that we serve, that we seek to help and bless those around us?  We wouldn't need to look for ways to help – we would instinctively notice them and respond to them almost without thinking.
• What if our very nature longed to be in holy places, and learned to avoid the evils world but also to seek the most sacred?  We wouldn't need to struggle to attend the temple, but would long to return there; and we would naturally want to make our homes just as sacred, and surround ourselves with goodness.
• What if our very nature longed for guidance from above, for knowledge and inspiration and reassurance?  We would feast on every word that comes from Church leaders, and would seek for expanding insight in the spiritual manifestations and personal witnesses that come from the Holy Spirit.
• What if our very nature required that we constantly turn our thoughts to God?  That we see His hand in all things?  That we recognize the glory of His creation in the smallest details, and we feel His hand acting more and more frequently in the deeds of everyday life?  We wouldn't need to seek Him – we would recognize that He is already here, that His spirit and presence and influence are everywhere.

As with learning to drive a car until it becomes instinctive, we need to learn to be better Disciples of Christ until that becomes instinctive and natural.  We start by carefully and deliberately and consciously choosing to do the things that disciples do.  We take the initial steps tentatively and timidly; we're cautious and maybe a little afraid, but we want so much to be able to do this!  With time, with experience, with repetition, with support from those close to us, with the blessing of the love and support the Atonement provides, we gradually find those efforts changing our very natures.  This is called conversion; it's called being born again; it's called taking His name upon us.

It was a relief to be home from England, so that as I drive my car, I can again allow my instincts to take care of most of the concerns of the process.  But I now feel a greater resolve to renew my commitment to work on the more important aspects of my spiritual life, so that I can eventually allow my very nature to reach that level of profound change and commitment.